110 Short And Funny One Liners

110 Short And Funny One Liners
1. This statement is false.

2. I bet you I could stop gambling.

3. Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

4. Strike while the .... bug is close.

5. Trying is failing with honors.

6. Drive defensively – buy a tank.

7. A bad plan is better than no plan.

8. Born free taxed to death.

9. Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

10. Thank God I'm an atheist.

11. What's the speed of dark?

12. Attitude determines your altitude.

13. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

14. Do pilots take crash-courses?

15. Better living through denial.

16. Frog blast the vent core!

17. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

18. If you’re happy, you’re successful.

19. Only dead fish go with the flow.

20. No one is listening until you fart.


21. Better late than .... Pregnant.

22. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

23. Only users lose drugs.

24. Spelling is a lossed art.

25. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

26. I think, therefore I'm single.

27. Love all trust .... Me.

28. Send lawyers, guns and money!

29. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

30. Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

31. To err is human, to arr is pirate.

32. No news is .... impossible

33. When in doubt empty the magazine.

34. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

35. Friendly fire – isn’t.

36. A gentleman is a patient wolf.

37. Assassins do it from behind.

38. Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

39. Better late than really late.

40. It’s like Deja Vu all over again.

41. It's been Monday all week.

42. Trust but verify.

43. Tracers work both ways.

44. Eschew obfuscation.

45. Never buy a car you can’t push.

46. Keep honking, I’m reloading.

47. Life is sexually transmitted.

48. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

49. Death is hereditary.

50. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


51. Did anyone see my lost carrier?

52. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

53. The future will be better tomorrow.

54. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

55. Never answer an anonymous letter.

56. Gravity always gets me down.

57. Honk if you like peace and quiet.

58. Nuke the Whales.

59. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

60. Bad spellers of the world untie!

61. Dyslexics have more fnu.

62. A witty saying proves nothing.

63. Life exists for no known purpose.

64. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

65. Batteries not included.

66. I can handle pain until it hurts.

67. Don’t believe everything you think.

68. Welcome what you can’t avoid.

69. National Atheist's Day April 1st.

70. A penny saved is not much.

Do Not Click This

71. Best viewed on my computer.

72. He who hesitates is boss.

73. Every solution breeds new problems.

74. Never lick the spoon.

75. Someday is not a day of the week.

76. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

77. Monday is the root of all evil.

78. The Killer Ducks are coming!

79. Do I look like a people person?

80. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.

81. Hang up and drive.

82. Life’s a bleach and then you dye.

83. No good deed goes unpunished.

84. Two eyebrows are better than one.

85. I doubt, therefore I might be.

86. Failure teaches success.

87. Ask me about my vow of silence.

88. Does killing time damage eternity?

89. Whatever happens, ignore it all.

90. When in doubt, mumble.

91. To generalize is to be an idiot.

92. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

93. Biology grows on you.

94. Strangers have the best candy.

95. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

96. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

97. Never eat yellow snow.

98. Rehab is for quitters.

99. A good pun is its own reword.

100. How does Teflon stick to the pan?

101. Clones are people two.

102. Adults are just kids who owe money.

103. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

104. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

105. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

106. Say no, then negotiate.

107. Allow me to introduce my selves.

108. Evolution: True science fiction.

109. Honk if you want to see my finger.

110. Wherever you are — be there.

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